Friday, December 6, 2013

frankly friday | heavy heart - full mouth.


frankly...

my heart is heavy and my mouth is full.

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brokenness does that to a person.
listen, i get it, it's christmas time and the season is bright, and things are going to be alright.
but that isn't me being really honest.
today marks 9 years that my mother passed.
nine. years. 
i've posted about the start of that morning before - and it really isn't something i want to get into right now...but i will say that today - i miss my mom.

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but that isn't the only reason i'm broken today - no it most certainly is not the only reason.
my heart is heavy and my mouth is full.
and if we look into the depths of our souls we all see something:
sin runs deep.
really deep.
a few months ago i shed some light on this subject.
& i was received with a resounding: you are not alone amy - you are not alone.
man do i need to hear that again today.

this world gets nasty quick.
it gets dirty, grimy, and just down right filthy.
it also breeds temptation that tastes all too delicious.
we get used to the scandal - to the drawl - we get pulled to the bed that is our tempter.
is that a little spicy, well yes, but it is also the truth.
sin is delicious.
disgusting, makes you sick, and spreads like cancer, but also delicious.
because we keep going back for more.

man, sin runs deep

i think far too often i ask the Lord for forgiveness but forget that there is still work that i need to do.
does God forgive me - a thousands times yes.
He continues to forgive me.
yet i still say yes to satans lies - and fall into the traps of his temptation.
because i want to.
if i didn't want to - i wouldn't.
hmm...
...that's like a kick in the face.
i choose the sin - the sin didn't choose me.
so when i feel convicted - guilty - run down and empty without God...
...and i go to Him for fulfillment, forgiveness, mercy and grace...i'm restored.
but that is never the end of the road.

what is the point of redemption and restoration if you're not willing to change?
am i willing to change? 
i would hope so.
yes - yes i would say i am willing to change.
am i willing to give up those delicious temptations? 
this is where it gets tricky.

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i think this is where it gets tricky for everyone in general - but especially for Christians who have walked with Jesus for more than a few seasons.
we know Jesus. we are saved. we trust in our salvation. and we get complacent.
we see the "little sins" (no such thing) as no big deals - and well the "bigger sins" (sin is sin) as something to just avoid talking about so we can relish in it. or if we're in a good season of our walk with God we seek out accountability to get rid of it.
so the slippery slope begins.
we love Jesus.
we crave the sin.
we love following God's Word.
we crave feeling desired & the temptation gives us that.

man, sin runs deep.

so i'm here to tell y'all confess that i'm a sinner.
i mess up.
i struggle - struggle like you wouldn't believe.
i make mistakes all the time - and not little mistakes but big ones that will have consequences.
i'm not perfect.
i judge.
i curse.
i say things behind others back.
i fall into the trap of lust.
i enjoy really bad comedy.
i - mess - up.

but God loves me.
i have no idea why He does.
but He loves me - without limits, unconditionally, immeasurably.
when i'm a broken mess on the floor - He gets on His knees before me and collects me.

He restores me.
moves me.
changes me.
directs me.
instructs me.
disciplines me.
man - He loves me. 

remember how i said my heart is heavy and my mouth is full?
...its true, they are.
my heart is heavy with sin - with distrust, greed, lust, and bitterness. it is also heavy with joy, love, compassion, salvation, and truth.
my mouth is full of lies, spite, malice, and fear. it is also full of encouragement, blessings, prayers, and restoration.

it's all about allowing God to work through my mess and get me back on solid ground. 
dear Lord i want to be back on solid ground.

>>>><<<<

if you've had a post this week that was rather frank - link up below. 



also if you missed the fiction posted yesterday - give it a read.


post signature

14 comments:

Chelsea Phelps said...

You my friend are simply wonderful! God is going to use you and do such big things with your life!

XOXO
Chelsea
http://www.anchorsaweighblog.com

Jessica said...

Wow, Amy...this is such a well-written post and I feel like I can totally relate. Like you said, when you've been a Christian for a long time, it's easy to grow complacent. It's awful to say, but I'm so much quicker to judge someone elses sin than to recognize my own. And that's a sin right there! Sin is a very easy trap to slip into. It's everywhere. That is why we can't forget what a gracious and loving God we serve. He is there for us when we mess up, when we sin, and when NOBODY else would want to be our friend. Isn't He amazing?

Also, I can't imagine how hard it must have been losing your mom...I know it hurts every day but is likely especially hard today. My thoughts and prayers are with you today, my friend.

Emskibeach said...

What a beautiful post. It's so hard as a Christian to say that you struggle with sin, especially because of people's judgemental attitudes sometimes as I know I have come across this.
I hope that you only get support on this post as I know so many of us struggle with sin and pretend not to or try to find the struggle.
I am sending you so many hugs and prayers, I cannot imagine how hard it must be without your mum, I argue with mine regularly but I know the hole it would leave in my heart and life if she was gone.
She will be watching you with such pride, you're a beautiful woman with a wonderful heart for others and for God.
x

Elizabeth said...

hello brave heart!

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:6

Rikki Rivera said...

Not only do I love the photos you share here, but it is such a breath of fresh air to read such honesty in such a tactful way. Way to go! But don't let these things weigh on you too heavy, it's great to accept these things about ourselves, but know that WE ALL are guilty of it, it's human nature. You're certainly ahead of the game by being fully aware and [somewhat] unafraid to share with the world.

Jordan said...

You weren't kidding about getting deep today girl. Thinking of you today.

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
Psalm 46:5

Genna said...

The other day I heard someone say, "My sins are washed away by the blood of Jesus." For some reason the mental image of blood flowing like water and making something clean REALLY jumped out at me. Everything. Fear, doubt, temptation, everything! So undeserving, but so loved. It blows my mind. Every. Single. Day. Praying for peace for you my friend <3

Britney said...

You have such a beautiful heart girl! I just love it!
God's going to do some amazing things through you, i just know it! :)

Jess said...

"what is the point of redemption and restoration if you're not willing to change?"

So good! We are given this great blessing of redemption and restoration, yet we so easily forget about it. We do become complacent and we do forget that we need to make changes. Christ has done His part. We need to now do ours. But the great thing is that He doesn't leave us to do it alone. He guides us with His Spirit and gives us a great body of believers to do life with. :)

Kiki said...

And this, my friend, is why I love you. Your honestly, your courage, your brilliant way to string words together and move and stir my heart? Pure brilliance.

Thank you for your frankness. For your reminder that sin affects EVERYONE. And for reminding me that none of us are perfect but that we have a perfect God who does love us for who we are (I'm with you on that--isn't it just mind-blowing that He loves us despite our faults, our doubt, and our rebellion?). Truly mind-blowing, I tell ya. :)

Praying for you, girl!

searchingforsubstance said...

whoa. what a heartfelt post. thanks for being so vulnerable in confessing your sin. you are so right.. we often begin to feel comfortable in our sin... feel complacent about it.. and then... accept it, allow it to sink in and turn us away from God. when in fact we should be running away from it, hating it, despising it. confession is necessary because that is where we begin to realize how far we are from God, and how much we need Him. thanks for the reminder...

and for all the times that you miss your mom, may God fill that space in your heart with His everlasting love, and the knowledge of His sovereignty.

N' said...

aha! such a great post girl. thank you thank you,this post touched me in different areas .

Aimee said...

Oh Amy! I started with this post, which led me to the others you linked to within it. And now I sit in my office with tears. I am so so proud of you for being brave enough to post about these things. I'm so sorry that you have lost both of your parents way too early. I admire your ability to post about sin. For being real. For wondering how God can love us when we feel like such a mess. Because I wonder that so often. But man, am I glad He does. I am sending prayers and so much love to you! ♥

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

God is redeeming the broken parts, sweet Amy. I know you can see it in glimpses, but it's happening. I've heard often that if you aren't facing temptation then Satan is either already winning in your life and you don't realize it or he just isn't concerned about you at all. Amy, you are a threat to Satan. He sees the good you do and who you can be for the Kingdom of God and he doesn't want that to happen. So he attacks you. This post is full of proof of you fighting back.